And When I Lose My Way
by Goldenpuppies at heart
Summary: She thought it was a fair deal. She was wrong.
1. It's a Long Way Down

**Summary: **She thought it was a fair deal. She was wrong.

**A/N:** This is an idea that's been swirling around my mind for a few weeks. I felt I had to write it after I saw Episode 1x21 Funk. Spoilers up through that episode. The title comes from Les Mis, from the song "On My Own." This chapter's title comes from the Dashboard Confessional song "Belle of the Boulevard." I've only watched some of the more recent episodes, so if things are a little out of character on Rachel's side, I apologize. This is a bit of a character exploration of Shelby.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Glee_, _Judge Judy_, _Sound of Music_, or any other references that I made that managed to slip in.

Shelby checked the contents of her purse one last time, just to be sure everything she would need for rehearsal was in there, before placing it on a side table near the front door. With a quiet sigh, she headed towards the couch and TV in her living room. The principal had made a fuss about her keeping her Vocal Adrenaline kids after school every day of the week from 2:30 to 7:30 for rehearsals, and insisted that she give them a break. So she did – today's rehearsal would start at 5:00 sharp instead of 2:30, and they would rehearse until about 8:30 and then go home. She thought it was a fair deal.

And, to be honest, she needed the break too. She had even let her 7th Block AP English class sneak out 10 minutes early, so that she would be able to maximize her time at home and relax. She had been on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster for a few weeks, and she felt like she had earned some time to just be herself instead of the hard and stern coach façade that she wore every single day. She'd given herself plenty of time to do what she needed, including making herself a dinner to bring to rehearsal (Frozen foods were, in fact, very tasty. She lived off of them. Nothing to do with her inability to cook, of course.), making sure her house was still clean (it was, as always, immaculate. That was easy when you lived alone.), and grading a few papers before deciding that it was time to relax for a while (they weren't so well written, and it almost made her want to break down after the last two weeks. It was really best that she stopped). After all, the whole point of taking a break was to actually unwind and calm down, right?

She flopped down on her couch, pulling a throw blanket around her and flipping on the TV. Her new plan was to put on some nonsense daytime TV show that she didn't really care to watch for background noise, and then take a nap, waking up in time to straighten out her appearance and walk out the door. Then it would be back to business.

_Judge Judy_ was just coming on. With back to back episodes. Perfect. She watched the first case, needing the comedic entertainment, and feeling justified in agreeing with the Judge's opinion. During the second, she closed her eyes, wondering if imitating Judge Judy to yell at her kids about the quality of their double timed writings would be too intense. Honestly, half of them had realized that she was really a softie if they tolerated her long enough to get past her rigid exterior. She must have drifted off, because she jerked awake to a loud pounding. She looked towards the TV, wondering if that's where it came from, but Judge Judy was verbally obliterating some defendant, and the insistent pounding continued. Mildly perplexed, Shelby rubbed a hand over her face in an attempt to wake up, and got up from the couch, throwing the blanket off of her. The pounding seemed to be coming from her front door.

When was the last time she had had someone at her house? She hadn't ordered anything recently, so it wasn't a delivery person. And who would know that she had moved rehearsal to later today? Shelby could come up with no explanation, and so she opened the door, ready to sarcastically berate the person who had decided to interrupt her one opportunity for relaxation in months.

The tornado that blew once she'd opened the door in left her standing with her mouth gaping open, hand still on the doorknob.

"How dare you? How could you do this? I know you said you weren't going to go soft on me during Regionals, but I didn't think that you would mercilessly try to _destroy_ me beforehand either. I mean what kind of mother allows her entire team to egg her daughter? Rivalry or not!" Rachel ranted, storming right into Shelby's house and whirling around, glaring at her.

Shelby stuttered a "Rachel…hi…," not fully prepared for her daughter to whirlwind in like this, covered in egg and yelling at her a mile a minute. And then she got to the end, and Shelby snapped out of her daze. When Rachel paused to take another breath, presumably intending to continue her rant, Shelby cut in with a crisp, angry "My team _WHAT?_" that silenced Rachel…for a moment.

"They egged me. Every member of your precious Vocal Adrenaline took eggs and threw them at me, killing those poor, defenseless little baby chicks," Rachel responded, giving Shelby a challenging look. Shelby met her gaze steadily, silently praying that she would be able to get Rachel to forgive her and no longer blame her for her student's despicable actions. Given the tentative status of their relationship, Shelby was afraid that one wrong word and they could have no future.

"I didn't send them, Rachel. I promise you, they will be punished for this. I specifically told them no more juvenile pranks after the TP incident and the tire-slashing. They directly disobeyed me. They will regret this." Through all of this, Shelby maintained eye contact, making sure to keep her voice direct and honest. She had to make sure Rachel believed her.

But her mind was racing a mile a minute, unable to believe that not only had Vocal Adrenaline disobeyed her and egged a student, but they had egged _Rachel_, the only member of New Directions that she cared about. "Besides, those chicks were dead the moment they entered the grocery store, my team didn't kill them." And her mind caught up with her mouth too late. The moment she realized what she'd said, her hand came up to cover her mouth, staring cautiously at Rachel, who must have had some reason to believe eggs were…defenseless baby chicks. But her daughter no longer looked angry, she just looked sad, almost depressed. And, unlike when she'd entered Shelby's house, she now looked like she was going to cry rather than yell.

"You didn't send them?" The inquiry was softly spoken, and Shelby's hand lowered from her mouth, feeling an unfamiliar pull at her heart at the expression on Rachel's face.

"No, Rachel, I didn't. I would never. _Especially_ to you." Shelby said gently, and then when Rachel didn't respond, added "After all, everyone may think I'm an evil, insane, slave-driver of a coach, but physical isn't my style. I'm all about the rhetorical wit." She quirked a half smile, but Rachel was still staring at her, almost imploring her to do something. But she couldn't do anything else, could she? "Look Rachel, I'm sorry. I didn't know they were going to do this. And I'm furious at them. So…" She reached for the doorknob, cursing silently at herself for not knowing what to do in a situation like this. _I'm not a good mother, and I'm a _horrible_ mom_. The thought came unbidden, but it only made her feel worse, doubling her guilt at Rachel just standing there, obviously fighting back tears, and staring at her, begging for something. Shelby didn't even know what she could want.

Rachel's gaze flicked to Shelby's hand on the doorknob, but immediately returned to staring pitifully at her. Shelby sighed quietly, dropping her hand back to her side. She couldn't just kick Rachel out. She furtively glanced down, forcing her facial expression to not show her displeasure at the yellow yolk dripping down off of Rachel and onto her white linoleum floor. Instead she brought her eyes back up to meet Rachel's, noticing that something had changed in Rachel's expression – Rachel probably thought she was still planning to make her leave.

"Um…would you, uh. Would you like to take a shower, get the egg off of you? I can't imagine it doesn't feel gross," Shelby offered. Maybe that would help? "Or, uh…I could…get you some water," she finished lamely, knowing she must sound like an idiot. And she usually had such command over the English language.

Rachel nodded, and Shelby felt a frown pull at the corners of her mouth. Shouldn't she be able to read Rachel better than this? "Which one, hon?" She said tenderly, knowing that feeling of not wanting to talk in fear of bursting out in tears. Her poor daughter.

"The shower. Please." The response was whispered, and Shelby felt another twinge of sympathy when Rachel broke eye contact, her eyes searching the floor.

But Shelby finally had something to _do_, and so she smoothly slid into action. "Okay, well, follow me. And, once you're in the bathroom, you can give me your clothes and I'll throw them in the wash." Rachel followed her dutifully, but didn't say a word. So Shelby just led her up the stairs and into her bedroom, then into the bathroom, grabbing a towel on their way past her linens closet. Shelby gestured with her arm, at a loss as to what else to say to a teenager who clearly didn't want to talk. "I'll, uh, just be downstairs in the living room. If you need anything. Everything else you need should be in the shower."

"You were going to wash my clothes." Everything Rachel said was so quiet, and sounded so defeated. It was nothing like the limited amount Shelby knew about Rachel's character. She wasn't used to dealing with this, either – when her students got morose like this she ignored it, figuring they'd come to her for help if they wanted it, or, in the case of her Vocal Adrenaline kids, let them take a five minute break to recuperate before they rejoined practice. Shelby nodded, caught up in her thoughts.

"Oh. Right. Well. I'll just step outside, just open the door slightly and hand them to me when you're ready." She stepped outside, closing the door behind her, and turned her back to it, crossing her arms. She guessed this was what she deserved, giving in to pressure and changing rehearsal time. This was her fault; her kids wouldn't have been able to egg Rachel if she hadn't given them the time. Now she just had to figure out a suitable punishment to make them suffer.

Rachel cleared her throat lightly. Shelby bit her cheek roughly to keep from making a sound, unwilling to let her daughter know that she was lost in her thoughts and hadn't even heard the door open. She turned around, smiling lightly at Rachel, who was huddling slightly behind the door. She gently tugged dirty jacket, shirt, and pants out of Rachel's hand, and with another smile turned to hightail it back downstairs. She didn't want to seem like she was fleeing, but she'd be lying if she said she wasn't highly uncomfortable.

"Will you stay upstairs? Please?" Rachel requested. Shelby almost didn't hear it. Part of her wanted to pretend she hadn't, but the feeling that she was failing her daughter hit her again. So she turned, nodding at Rachel.

"Let me just bring the clothes down to throw them in the washing machine and get some papers I need to grade, and then I'll come right back up." Shelby didn't wait for a response, merely slipping out of the bedroom. She let out a small sigh of relief when she heard the bathroom door close, knowing that Rachel would now shower.

It felt right having Rachel in her house. It felt right to take care of her. And none of that could feel right, it wasn't supposed to. The no-nonsense, all-business part of her took over, moving her on autopilot to the washing machine where she deposited Rachel's clothes, then to her foyer where she cleaned the egg yolk off of her floor, and finally into her kitchen to grab her stack of papers from the table before she headed back up the stairs.

But any ability to distance herself emotionally from the situation failed when she got back in her bedroom and could hear Rachel sobbing through the bathroom door, even over the water from the shower. Shelby lowered her head, sitting down on her bed with her papers and beginning to grade.

_I'm grateful for her. From afar. I'm grateful for her from afar. For now, I can only be grateful for her from afar. Anything we share is going to be confusing for her and that's not fair. I can't be selfish and hurt her because I want a daughter. She doesn't need me. She doesn't._

Shelby shook her head, trying to quell her thoughts. She could contemplate this later. Right now, her full attention needed to be on her papers. She started skimming the top essay on her stack. A wince at the thesis statement, a slight clenching of her fist around her pen at the first quotation of evidence from the passage…and then a loud sound of aggravation when her student skipped to a comparison of American Idol to the illustrative manner of discussing complex feelings; Shelby threw down her pen, giving in to the absolute frustration she was feeling. What was this, some last ditch effort to suck up to her through music? Her students were _better_ than this, she had taught them how to write these essays flawless…She'd forgotten to give Rachel clothes. What was she supposed to wear if hers were in the wash? _Damn it, bad, BAD mother._

Shelby scrambled up from her bed and began digging through her clothes. She found a suitable pair of sweatpants and a tank top, and then tentatively went and knocked on the bathroom door. Through the door, she heard Rachel's breath hitch, then a soft "come in."

"Rachel? I brought you a pair of sweatpants and a shirt to put on when you get out. I'm just…grading papers. So. If you hear loud screams of displeasure, they're not directed at you."_ Not that she would think they were. Open mouth, insert foot, Shelby. _

"Thank you! And, um, I won't worry?"

Shelby shook her head, putting the clothes on the countertop and closing the door again. Brilliant.

~•~

By the time Rachel came out of the bathroom, Shelby had only graded about 10 papers, thrown 4 pens on the floor, and given up, opting for going through Vocal Adrenaline notes. She glanced up when she heard the door open, watching as Rachel gingerly stepped over one of her pens.

"Are you okay? I mean, do you need your pen back? Or, I guess, pens," Rachel commented as she approached the bed.

Shelby raised her thumb up to her mouth, biting on the nail and mumbling "I should be asking you that. And no, I don't need the pens back. I'll rip the essays to shreds later." Rachel's face became more somber and serious.

"I'm okay. I think. I'm still upset, but…at least I don't have egg in my hair anymore." Shifting uncertainly from foot to foot, Rachel ran her fingers through her wet hair. A small frown appeared on Shelby's face, trying not to reflect on how much more uncomfortable Rachel seemed in her house now.

"Come here, Rachel," Shelby requested in a calm voice.

Rachel stared at her as if she'd lost her mind. "Why?"

"Because I want to French braid your hair for you."

The suspicious look stayed firmly in place. "Again, why?"

_Because I want to be your mom, not just the enemy coach._ Shelby choked down that thought before she could accidentally speak it. "Because if you leave your hair down to dry like that, it'll get frizzy. Trust me; you're better off braiding it." As she spoke, she moved to the edge of the bed, swinging her legs over and placing her feet on the ground. She used what she liked to call her 'teacher voice' because it sounded factual and knowledgeable, hoping it would work as well on her daughter as it did on her students.

It did. Rachel nodded, accepting that response, and moved to sit in front of Shelby. Once she was settled, Shelby grabbed her brush from the bedside table, beginning to run it through Rachel's hair. Her daughter seemed relaxed under her touch, but she wasn't sure if Rachel was acting or not. She hoped she was doing the right thing.

"Your shower curtain is covered in gold stars."

Shelby almost dropped the section of hair she was holding when Rachel spoke, but she held on to it, once again silently cursing at herself for not expecting Rachel to talk. "I live alone, okay? I told you gold stars are my thing, and I found the perfect shower curtain. I can put it up if I want to." And then, realizing how defensive she sounded, Shelby scoffed lightly, and added in a friendlier tone, "It just made the bathroom seem more festive."

"I like it," Rachel said softly. She was silent for a moment, and Shelby was just getting to the main part of the braid when Rachel spoke again, seeming uncertain again. "Mom?"

Shelby felt her heart leap at being called Mom, but ruthlessly crushed down the feeling, knowing that she couldn't get attached. "Yes?"

"I don't think it was actually the entire team. But. Jesse was there. He, uh. He was the last one to egg me. He broke it right in my face. I think that was the worst part." Hurt colored Rachel's voice, and Shelby found anger boiling into her veins. How dare he? She should take away his solos for what he had done! She wouldn't be surprised if he was the leader of this little prank.

"I'm going to kill him." Shelby spoke without thinking, winding a hair tie around the end of Rachel's braid. The moment she was done, Rachel turned to stare at her incredulously, and she realized what she said. "Uh, I mean." She sighed. "He'll regret it, Rachel. They all will. I'm not going to let them get away with this crap." She rested her hand lightly on top of Rachel's head for a moment, and then stood up from the bed, glancing at her alarm clock to check the time. 3:50 PM – she had a little longer. So long as she left her house at around 4:20, she could be at Carmel High by 4:30. "Would you like some sort of snack? Or at least something to drink? I'm not big on this whole cooking thing, but I might have something edible in my kitchen." Shelby was already heading towards the door, assuming Rachel would follow. Unless, of course, Rachel was ready for this interaction to end. _After all, who would want a mom who can't even cook?_

"Wait!" Rachel yelped, clearly thrown off by Shelby's sudden attempt to distance herself. She stood, catching up to Shelby quickly. "What do you mean not big on the whole cooking thing? You said you live alone, how do you survive if you don't cook for yourself?"

"Listen, kid, you'd be surprised how proficient I am at living off Lean Cuisines. It's shockingly easy to live off of eating out, bringing in, and making frozen meals," Shelby responded dryly. She turned to see what Rachel's reaction would be, and instantly regretted it. Had it been anyone else, she would have snapped that she didn't need her pity. But she restrained herself, merely grimacing and walking the rest of the way to the kitchen in silence. "So what would you like to eat?" Shelby asked, wandering around and pointedly avoiding looking at Rachel.

"Do you ever get lonely?"

"Of course I do," Shelby snapped, "I have nectarines, do you like nectarines?" She whirled back around to face her daughter, wielding the fruit like a weapon. Guilt flooded her immediately when she saw the hurt on Rachel's face, but a stubborn voice in her mind insisted that Rachel had deserved it.

"Yes, uh. Yeah, I do." Rachel reached out, taking the nectarine from her, but now she was avoiding eye contact. _Great._

Shelby sighed, leaning against the countertop. "Look, Rachel, I'm not very good at this whole…being a mom thing. I'm sorry. I can be a bit…acerbic at times." Her mouth twisted into a grim line.

"You're trying too hard, then." Rachel whispered. Shelby gave her a puzzled look, but Rachel had already moved on. "Do you have a knife? I like to cut my nectarines in half before I eat them." Shrugging and deciding that Rachel wanted her comment to seem ambiguous, Shelby handed her a knife, watching as she sliced the nectarine down the middle and twisted it apart.

"Do you want to talk?" Shelby asked, thinking that it was something her own mother would ask her if she was upset.

"About what?" Rachel scoffed, but she was fidgeting with the nectarine in a way that let Shelby know that she was bluffing. She simply raised an eyebrow at Rachel and watched as her demeanor changed to a stiffer one. But her daughter was strong, and she locked eyes with Shelby, challenging her to force the conversation. And Shelby had no desire to be confrontational.

"Do you ever wear earrings?" Shelby asked instead. Rachel nodded, reaching up and squeezing her earlobe between her thumb and the knuckle of her index finger.

"I do, but I don't wear them often. I…have a hard time picking them," Rachel responded. Shelby nodded in understanding. "Do you wear a lot of jewelry?"

Shelby smiled lightly. "I wouldn't say a lot, but I do enjoy wearing jewelry. Long necklaces, bracelets…" She fiddled with the simple silver band around her wrist absentmindedly. "Usually I keep my earrings simple. Silver balls, small hoops…not too much glitz." Rachel seemed to be clinging to every word. Taking a chance, she added "You know, I think simple pearl, or imitation pearl, earrings would look good on you. They match just about any outfit, and add just a little bit of class. In my opinion, at least. I have a pair, upstairs on my dresser, if you want to go try."

A grin flashed onto Rachel's face, the first real smile she'd gotten from her all afternoon. "Can I?" Shelby nodded.

"Go ahead up. I'll be up in a minute." _I have nothing to hide from her. I just…need a moment_. Rachel rushed up the stairs enthusiastically, and Shelby leaned heavily on the counter, covering her face with both hands. This was taking a larger toll on her emotions than she was expecting. She couldn't even imagine what Rachel must be feeling. She took a deep breath, counting for four beats in and exhaling for four, and repeated it twice before she felt ready to join Rachel upstairs.

"I love them, you're absolutely right. Even with just a tank top and sweats, the pearls look stunning," Rachel said as soon as Shelby entered the room. Shelby swallowed, looking away for a moment as she smiled at Rachel.

"I'm glad. You can have them if you…" And then her eye caught the time. "_Shit_! Rachel, I'm sorry, but I have to go. Now. How is it already 4:25?" Shelby pressed a hand to her forehead for a moment, astounded that she had lost track of time.

"Where do you have to go?" Rachel asked, stepping forward, closer to Shelby.

"I have rehearsal," Shelby responded, already halfway down the stairs. She heard Rachel's footsteps behind her, but didn't stop to face her until her purse was in hand.

The angered edge was back in Rachel's voice. "After what they did to me, you're just going to go to rehearsal?"

"I have no choice, Rachel. Shelby Corcoran does not just skip Vocal Adrenaline rehearsals." Shelby responded calmly, feeling her temper beginning to flare but fighting it down. Rachel couldn't honestly expect her to miss the rehearsal.

"I'm coming with you!" Rachel burst out, glaring defiantly at Shelby. Her daughter was still standing two steps up, hands on her hips. Shelby laughed, a harsh and cold sound, shaking her head at Rachel.

"No, absolutely not. Don't you have your own rehearsal to go to? I'm already late, Rachel, I don't have time for this." Shelby hit her keys against her thigh for a moment, before turning and unlocking the door, holding it open and staring at Rachel, waiting for her to come down the stairs and leave so that Shelby could.

"Our practice was already canceled for the day. Mr. Schue had something he needed to do. Besides, I am your _daughter_, if you want any type of mother-daughter relationship you _have_ to side with me." Rachel stated, not budging. Anger was beginning to spread over her face again, and Shelby hoped that it was because she was remembering what Vocal Adrenaline had done, not becoming frustrated with her.

Still, her argument was faulty. Not to mention unfair. "Rachel, stop it. You cannot make me choose. Now come _down_ here so that I can leave." Rachel shook her head slowly, still as stubborn as before, and Shelby felt desperation kick in. "Fine, _fine_, you can come, but you are _not_ coming into rehearsal and you will not go anywhere near any of my Vocal Adrenaline members." Shelby set her jaw, hoping to show Rachel just where she inherited her perseverance from.

Rachel looked surprised for a moment, and Shelby was sure she wasn't expecting her to give in. Hands falling away from her hips, Rachel came down the final two steps, striding towards Shelby. And then abruptly stopped. And held out her hand. "I'm driving."

Shelby raised an eyebrow at her disbelievingly. "You can't be serious. Do you even have your learner's permit? You are not driving my car." Rachel was close enough to Shelby now that she was able to reach out, grabbing her shoulders and forcing her out the door so she could lock up.

"I _am_ serious. Your team has done something unforgivable to me, and I insist that I have the opportunity to confront them face to face. So I'm driving," Rachel insisted. Shelby fought against it desperately, knowing that it would only urge Rachel to continue, but couldn't. She burst into laughter, much warmer this time, doubling over slightly. Rachel stared at her furiously before demanding, "What, what is so funny? Stop laughing at me! Tell me what exactly is so funny! I thought you urgently needed to get to your rehearsal, you're only slowing this down."

Sucking in a huge gulp of air, Shelby used all of her self control to force herself to stop laughing. She straightened herself back up, amusement dancing in her eyes, and said "You, my dear, are _exactly_ like me. You know how to get what you want. However, you're not driving." And with that, Shelby strode quickly to her car, getting in and turning it on. She opened the window, leaning out and shouting "Now or never, Rachel. Get in the car or I leave without you." Tempting as it was, she was pretty sure Rachel would never forgive her if she just drove off with no warning. Luckily, Rachel hurried to the car, climbing into the passenger seat. "And you're not going inside, understood?"

Shelby had pulled out of the driveway before Rachel's seatbelt was even on.


	2. Not to Break

**A/N:** I'm glad that people are enjoying this. Reviews make the world go round. Here's the second chapter. Enjoy! I wanted to get it posted before the new episode, so that it can't invalidate anything I'd written!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Glee, Judge Judy, Sound of Music_, or any other references that I made that managed to slip in.

_I won't be late, I won't be late. I will not start rehearsal late, it will start right at 5 o'clock sharp._ Shelby thought, parking her car quickly and turning it off. The ride over had been silent, Rachel silently stewing the entire time, and Shelby repeating a mantra over and over in her head, determined to stay the hard-assed coach Vocal Adrenaline knew and loved. And that meant she had to get to rehearsal on time.

She pulled the keys out of the ignition and then reached down to get her purse from where she'd set it between the two seats. When she looked back up, Rachel had exited the car and was halfway to the entrance. Shelby wasted a moment gawking at Rachel's confident pace before she tumbled out of her car, running to catch up despite her heels.

"Hey! What happened to understanding that you were to _stay in the car_. Rachel, slow down!" Shelby yelled, but her daughter didn't even pause. With a low growl, Shelby sped up, but Rachel was already walking through the doors of Carmel High. And right past those doors were the doors to the auditorium, where all 26 of her kids would be hanging out, waiting for rehearsal to start and probably wondering where their coach was. That was motivation enough for Shelby to sprint the rest of the distance, intercepting her daughter in front of the auditorium and grabbing her by the arm. She pulled Rachel back a few feet, hoping desperately that they were out of hearing distance from Vocal Adrenaline, and hissed, "Rachel, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm going to confront them. And show them that they can't easily beat me down," Rachel responded succinctly. Shelby let out a low laugh, and Rachel yanked her arm out of Shelby's grip. She began to walk forward again, but Shelby stopped her by wrapping both of her arms around Rachel's waist. With her heels on, she was at least one head taller than Rachel, giving her a much-needed height advantage. She tightened her arms, expecting Rachel to struggle. And Rachel did, immediately starting to wriggle against Shelby. Shelby hoped her heels would be able to dig into the floor if needed – stilettos didn't have the best traction in the world.

"Honey, there are 26 highly motivated students in there who are determined to crush down the competition. You are one person," Shelby said seriously, then laughed lightly again. "And you're a pinto bean. You're tiny. Half of those boys tower over _me_, and I'm pretty sure six of them could take you down in a minute."

"I don't care," Rachel bit out. She was now trying to use her elbows to physically distance herself from Shelby. Shelby sighed. _If I keep restraining her, is she going to hate me?_ The thought made her loosen her grip slightly, though she didn't notice until too late.

Rachel's elbow connected with her ribs, causing Shelby to release her completely in favor for bending over to gasp for the breath that had suddenly left her. She pressed both hands to the spot, squeezing her eyes shut. The pain radiating from her ribs was unbearable, but the thought that she had once again failed her daughter, this time failing to protect her, stole her breath even more. Rachel was going to get pummeled by her club, and this time she was responsible.

Gentle hands touched her arm, leading her back a few steps and then encouraging her to sit in the chair that was deserted in the empty hallway. "Mom? Mom, what's wrong, what just happened? What did I do?" Rachel's voice was frantic, terrified. "Answer me!"

Shelby took a deep breath, knowing that it wasn't fair to scare Rachel like this. "I broke my ribs a couple of years back. It involved falling and some set props and a lot of cursing. They're all healed and everything, but every once in a while the pain will just flare up again. Sometimes with more encouragement than other times." Air was beginning to enter her lungs steadily again, and the pain began to recede. She chanced a look at Rachel, who seemed horrified and unsure of what to do. "I'm okay. I just need a moment to sit here." Leaning back, Shelby closed her eyes again, just concentrating on breathing and calming her racing heart. She felt Rachel's hand resting uncertainly on her knee, and covered it with one of her own.

"Ms. Corcoran?" Resting time over. Her eyes snapped open, finding Jesse's and meeting his concerned look with a steel one. She felt Rachel tense next to her, but paid her no mind. "What's going on out here? Why are you sitting down out here, it's almost 5:00? And what is _she_ doing here?" The last question was said with such disdain that Shelby felt her temper begin to flare in defense of Rachel.

She squeezed Rachel's hand gently, responding coolly, "I'm fine, Jesse. I had a momentary relapse of pain from my ribs, but I'm fine now. Go back inside the auditorium." But Rachel and Jesse had already locked eyes, and a smirk slowly appeared on Jesse's face as he rushed over to Shelby's other side.

"Shelby, are you okay? How dare you try to take down our coach for your petty little resentment of me!" Jesse said, an edge to his voice – he was clearly trying to rile Rachel up. He started pressing on her ribs, asking "Does this hurt? Did she re-break them?"

"I didn't do it on purpose!" Rachel defended angrily.

Shelby shoved his hands off of her, leveling him with a stare that she knew would stop him in his tracks. "They are not broken, Jesse. Now stop this. What did I say about juvenile attempts to bring down the competition?"

"This isn't juvenile, Shelby, this is personal! She's trying to derail Vocal Adrenaline by taking you away from us," Jesse insisted, but he had already straightened up and stepped away. He knew he was pushing his boundaries. When Rachel shot up, mouth open to retort, Shelby stood up slowly and confidently, knowing that she would seem powerful and intimidating.

"I'm doing no such thing, Jesse St. James! If you haven't noticed, I was sitting next to _my mother_, making sure she was okay, not trying to injure her further." Rachel stopped there, turning to look at Shelby. "Mom, you're okay? You promise?"

She leveled a glare at both of them. "I'm fine. Jesse, I'm going to tell you one last time. Go back into the auditorium." She hoped he would do what she told him to. Usually he was pretty obedient, knowing he was her star student and not wanting to disappoint her.

But no, pride was going to win out today. "And leave you out here with her? No! Who knows what she'll do next. Maybe she's hiding a knife under her clothing, planning to stab you once I walk away."

"I'm sorry, isn't there a rather difficult solo that you need to practice? I would hate to have to take it away from you," Shelby all but growled. Rachel was beginning to shake, though she wasn't sure if it was from rage or from hurt.

"I would, but I don't trust her. Besides, you wouldn't take away my solo, Shelby." Jesse had been looking at her, but his gaze slid to Rachel for his next comment. "After all, you've been so nurturing to me, so loving. Not once have you abandoned me or left me to fend for myself. You even let me call you by your first name, very unusual for a teacher."

Oh, that was it. She had tried to remain calm, but this was the last straw. Shelby threw her purse on the floor for dramatic effect; she saw Rachel jump out of the corner of her eye, but that was not her focus right now. _Mm. Probably shouldn't have thrown that. Cellphone. iPod. Bad. _But she wasn't paying attention to her thoughts either. "That's _enough_, Jesse. I told you to go to the auditorium, and you chose to provoke me further. You should know better." She stepped right up to him, satisfied that her heels made her slightly taller than him. "Tell me, Jesse, what the _hell_ were you thinking when you went to McKinley High this afternoon? Did you think I wouldn't find out? How _dare_ you. Tell me exactly what you were thinking." Good, at least Jesse now looked terrified. But he still wasn't looking at her. He was staring behind her at Rachel, a conflicted look almost hidden by the absolute I'm-going-to-pee-my-pants-I'm-so-afraid one he wore prominently. "In fact, I want to know what the entire _club_ was thinking when they decided to go and _egg my daughter_. _Directly against my orders_."

"We, um, we were. I mean. We…" Shelby rolled her eyes; stuttering did not become Jesse._ Does he still care about Rachel? Is that why he won't speak?_

"Rachel, go wait for me outside," she barked. If Jesse wasn't going to say anything in front of Rachel, then Shelby was going to take care of that problem.

"What? No, Mo…"

"I said Go. Outside." Shelby snarled, giving Rachel a look that could kill.

Rachel straightened up, posture stiff, clearly stung by Shelby's tone of voice. Shelby had never spoken like that to her, only to her Vocal Adrenaline kids and once or twice, rarely, to her AP students. "Fine. I'll go outside, _Shelby_," Rachel said coldly, stretching Shelby's name to two syllables and emphasizing the b. The ferocious look dropped off Shelby's face immediately, replaced by a lost, pained expression. But Rachel had already stormed out. Shelby took a deep shuddering breath, then swallowed lightly. She gave herself a moment, rallying all her anger back in, then whirled around to face Jesse.

"What happened to starting to care about her, huh, Jesse? I thought you didn't want to see her hurt," Shelby barked at him.

"I…" But she didn't really want the answer.

"Shut up! Get inside the auditorium, now," She spat. When he didn't move, she grabbed his shoulders, shoving him with both hands and storming forward.

He scurried like a terrified squirrel in front of her and down to his friends. All of Vocal Adrenaline turned at once to look at her when they heard the auditorium door slam against the wall. A few of the newer girls looked absolutely petrified at the look on her face, but that didn't stop her for a minute.

"On the stage, now!" Shelby demanded frigidly, but they just continued looking at her. "NOW!" Jesse was the first on stage, and the rest of the group followed him up, filing in on either side of him. "Straight line!" And then she laughed, but it was a hard and unpleasant sound. _Right out of the Sound of Music. Rachel would appreciate the irony._

"Coach Corcoran, what…" One of her students began. She didn't have the patience for it.

"Silence! So, you guys thought that you could get away with another juvenile prank without me knowing, huh? You're really, _really_ dumb. Every single one of you. And you purposefully rebelled against me, I told you no more pranks, and then you went and _egged_ a member of New Directions? Well, I can tell you one thing. This is the last time I give you time after school. From now on _every rehearsal_ until the end of the year will start at 2:30 sharp, and if you're late, you're out of the club." She swept her eyes over every single one of them. "This is _crap_, do you understand me? I won't stand for this." She swiveled around, pacing in front of the stage, still raging. "Start rehearsing. Run…_no_, damn it, I'm not done." She turned back to look at them. "I want to know exactly who was in charge of this whole thing. Who planned it, who bought the eggs, who actually went over to McKinley High, everything." She glared at them contemptuously.

"But Coach Corcoran…"

"The only speaking I should be hearing is someone stepping up and taking responsibility for this." Shelby crossed her arms, tapping her foot against the floor impatiently. She stared right at Jesse, daring him to keep silent and see how serious she was. When nobody spoke, she snapped, "Speak now, or this gets ten times worse."

Silence.

Shelby walked up to the stage, slamming her hand down on the side of it. "Listen up. This type of crap happens ever again, and I will get you all suspended from this school. I can't afford to do that right now with Regionals so close. But don't doubt that I will, next time. Regionals or not." She paused, feeling another wave of fury rush over her. "And another thing. If any of you _ever dares_ to do anything else to my daughter, I will kill you, a long, slow, and painful death. You think the only person you hurt in this was her? _Wrong_. The moment you picked her as your victim, you betrayed any loyalty you have for me by hurting _me_." She had some of the boys shaking. Did it make her a terrible person to feel slightly proud about that? "Now, you will tell me who was in charge. This. Minute. Who is going to be the _good_ student who tells me the truth?"

"We were all responsible, we were all in charge," Her lead female singer blurted. Shelby narrowed her eyes, glaring at her. "We were all in collaboration. You can't blame a single one of us." Shelby found her voice slightly too cocky in that last sentence, almost seeming cheerful that Shelby couldn't punish one student alone.

"Fine," She bit out. She walked over to her desk, intending to sit down and begin rehearsal, but found that her blood was still boiling. So she paused in front of it, considering what she was going to do. And once her mind was made up, she swung around to face Vocal Adrenaline again. "All of you will leave then," she said calmly. And then she yelled "Get the hell out of this auditorium, right now. I don't want to see a single one of your faces until rehearsal tomorrow at 2:30 sharp. You will be _perfect_, and if you are not perfect you will be punished massively. You think you've known pain, you think you've seen Shelby Corcoran at her worst? You haven't."

"But Coach Corcoran, our rehearsal..."

"I don't rehearse with _scum_, I rehearse with national champions. And currently, you are the former," Shelby callously informed them. "Be ready to run the entire set list. If I see one slightly misplaced foot, you're starting over until you get through the entire thing."

"But some of us have class with…"

"Then you will sit in the back and not participate. Trust me, you'll be happier to lose the participation points than to try talking to me," Shelby hissed. She hit the palms of her hands against her desk, screaming "Get out of here." And then, when none of them moved, seemingly frozen, she swept her gaze across each of them disdainfully, and stormed up the aisle herself.

She had to admit, she was a little surprised to see a dainty little ear pressed against the window of her auditorium door, imitation pearl shimmering prettily.

Rachel apparently hadn't realized yet that Shelby was exiting the auditorium. Behind her, she could hear Vocal Adrenaline beginning to murmur. For the theatrical effect of it, she launched herself through a different set of doors than Rachel was listening through, pushing both of the doors open and feeling a grim sort of satisfaction when they banged against the wall and then closed with a loud thud.

Rachel recoiled from the door, peering at her in shock and fear. Shelby schooled her expression into a neutral, unreadable one. "M…Sh-Shelby?" Rachel stuttered, taking a step away from the door.

"What are you doing, Rachel? I told you to wait outside," Shelby responded icily.

"I-I'm sorry!" Rachel was actively backing away from Shelby, acting as if Shelby was going to physically hit her or something. Shelby frowned. She didn't want her daughter to think of her that way, didn't want her to be afraid of her. The anger she had sustained was finally beginning to drain away, leaving her feeling disheartened and tired. With a soft sigh, she walked over and reached down to retrieve her purse from where she had thrown it.

"I asked you to wait outside for me. I don't respond well to disobedience. You were supposed to be outside, not trying to eavesdrop into my rehearsal with Vocal Adrenaline," Shelby said firmly, but it lacked the bite of everything she had said up until now.

"You're not my parent, I don't have to do what you say. You don't want to be my mom, so I don't have to be obedient. Make up your mind and stop switching back and forth between wanting me and not wanting me!"

Shelby dropped her purse again, stung. Her arms wrapped around herself automatically, and she turned away, trying to blink away the tears that had risen in her eyes. "I want you, Rachel, I want to be your mom, but I don't have the right to be. You already have two loving parents, you don't need me. And you're right. You don't have to do anything I say," Shelby whispered.

Footsteps sounded behind her, letting her know that Rachel was approaching her. She tensed slightly, staring resolutely out the windows of the building. "All of that may be true. I do have two loving parents." Rachel said softly, "But did it ever occur to you that I want a mom? Shelby, you took care of me this afternoon. You gave me everything you could offer me. I don't think either of my dads would have even known what to do if I showed up at home covered in egg." One of Rachel's hands landed tenderly on the back of Shelby's arm, and the other held her purse out in front of her.

Unwrapping one arm from around herself, Shelby reached out and took the purse. Still blinking rapidly, she turned to glance at Rachel, giving a half hearted attempt at a smile and saying, "Yes. Well." She cleared her throat, only noticing now that it was beginning to ache from all of the screaming, and then gave a small nod to Rachel. And then she was walking, out the door and towards her car. She blindly fumbled in her bag, searching for her sunglasses, and refusing to turn back towards where Rachel stood. Dimly, she realized that not a single member of Vocal Adrenaline had left the auditorium, but she was hurting and that was the last concern in her mind at the moment.

"_Shelby!_" Oh, so Rachel was following her. She supposed she probably needed a ride home. Her hand found her keys, so she pulled those out, unlocking the car and standing next to the passenger's door. Rachel ran up to her, walking around to stand in front so Shelby was mostly unable to avoid eye contact; she forced her expression into a neutral one again, not wanting Rachel to know how upset she was. "You cancelled rehearsal."

Shelby nodded, rubbing her hand against her forehead before dropping it back to her side.

Rachel smiled a little. "You cancelled rehearsal for me. Vocal Adrenaline isn't rehearsing because I got egged. You're risking Regionals by not rehearsing, but you're cancelling the rehearsal anyway."

"I'm not risking anything," Shelby mumbled. "They'll rehearse anyway because they're terrified of me right now."

"If you're planning to be all self-deprecating about it there's no point in even talking to you," Rachel sniped.

"Well how do you feel?" Shelby responded, keeping her tone light but knowing that she was making the comment out of defensiveness. She was suddenly wishing that her daughter hadn't inherited her persistence, because she didn't really have the energy to keep up this fight.

"Honestly? I feel awful."

"'When Fraulein Maria wanted to feel better, she used to sing that song, remember?'" Shelby mocked without thinking, scoffing as soon as she was done.

"Did…you just quote _The Sound of Music_ to me?"

Shelby sighed, dropping the pretense of being okay. Her face crumpled slightly, and she said, "Yes, I did, okay? I'm sorry, I…I told you I wasn't good at this, and I'm not going to get any better. I'm hard, unemotional, not at all like…"

"Mom, stop it," Rachel snapped.

Shelby's eyes shot up to meet Rachel's. "You…you called me Mom."

"Is that so surprising?" Rachel said, glaring at her. "You're much better at this than you think you are." Rachel thought that she wasn't as bad as Shelby thought…that had to mean something, didn't it? Maybe there was hope for them after all. Although Shelby had to admit that this entire situation felt surreal. If someone asked her to, she didn't think she could explain how she and Rachel had gotten to this moment, standing across from each other like this.

Shelby took a deep breath, and then asked the first question that came to mind. "Rachel, how did you find my house?"

Rachel rolled her eyes, but didn't press their previous subject. "I looked it up. You're in the phonebook, just like any other normal person. Just because you gave up on a relationship with me doesn't mean that I gave up on a relationship with you. I, uh, didn't intend to show up the way I did though. That was done in pure anger."

Shelby felt her expression shift from hopeful to amused…and then she realized what she was doing and shook her head. What happened to the commitment she had made a week ago? Just because she wanted to be in Rachel's life didn't mean there was space for her. Rachel just didn't understand that yet, she was too young, too sweet. "I…uh…we can't do this, Rachel. Your fathers must be worried sick about you. I need to get you home." She strode around to the other side of the car, getting in and gazing at the steering wheel, feeling slightly lost. She heard Rachel wrench open the passenger side door, and turned her head. But Rachel didn't get in; she stood there, leaning in to the car.

"My fathers aren't home. Why are you so damn avoidant?"

"Don't curse at me," Shelby responded automatically. She sighed, eyes sliding away from Rachel. This confirmed it; she definitely wasn't ready to have a teenage daughter. This was exhausting. It had to be just as exhausting for Rachel. And Rachel didn't need this angst in her life.

"I don't think the problem is that you're afraid that this is going to be confusing for me. You're afraid that this is going to hurt _you_," Rachel said insistently.

Shelby gulped down a breath of air. "Rachel, get into the car."

"You can't live the rest of your life completely alone. Vocal Adrenaline isn't enough."

Shelby felt something break inside of her. She lowered her head, using her hair to shield her face, and choked out "Damn it, Rachel." Shelby wasn't usually a vulnerable person. She kept herself closed off, and had risen to the top because she was determined to get what she wanted. But somehow her daughter was disabling every single one of the defenses against the world Shelby had built up. And now she was aching, wishing so much that her life had turned out differently. She shouldn't have pushed so hard for Broadway. Fame wasn't all it was built up to be. And getting to fame was _not_ the glorious ride she thought it would be.

She heard Rachel slide in to the car, but stayed as she was. "Go to dinner with me."

"_No_. I'm bringing you home. Close the door." Shelby needed this to end now. She needed to go home, cry until she fell asleep, and wake up tomorrow and start a new day. Rachel would not out-stubborn her. She was older, more mature, knew more about life. This was what was best for both of them. Even if she felt like she'd rather tear out her own tooth than convince Rachel that it was true.

"I'm not letting you go home to eat a Lean Cuisine out of your freezer," Rachel stated adamantly. Shelby considered retorting that it wasn't going to come out of her freezer, she'd already made it, but instead just shook her head, clearing her hair out of her face and sitting up to turn on the car. She'd made up her mind. Even if Rachel hated her, this is what needed to be done. Rachel would have to close the door eventually. Shelby turned on the car, put it in reverse, and started moving the car slowly. Rachel let out a small 'eep,' hastily closing the door, and Shelby impulsively pitched her hand forward before Rachel could stop her, turning on the radio full blast.

Rachel reached out to turn it off, but Shelby hit her hand away, then turned the car into the street. It made her feel slightly immature, but she wasn't going to give in just because of that. She was used to feeling insecure and like she couldn't measure up. But she could win against her own daughter in a battle of wills, she was positive. "You're as much of a drama queen as I am!" Rachel yelled over the radio, crossing her arms against her chest angrily.

And then Shelby was laughing, hysterically, slamming the break because tears rose in her eyes and she couldn't see. She watched through blurred vision as Rachel grabbed the steering wheel, apparently terrified. "Rachel, I'm fine. I got it," she gasped out, raising one hand to her face and wiping her eyes. Rachel was studying her intently, and so she gave her a tremulous smile. "I'm fine, I promise." She even forced herself to stop laughing, despite the knowledge that Rachel had been completely correct. She _was_ a drama queen, and that's where this was coming from. All the over-the-top emotions…

"Please, pull over the car before you crash and get us both killed," Rachel begged. Shelby glanced at her, still concentrating on the road, but was otherwise silent. "Mom, please," Rachel whined. Shelby was beginning to think that that word would get her to do anything. But she wasn't going to stop the car just because Rachel was nervous.

"I'm completely in control of the car. We're not going to crash." Another cursory glance at Rachel. "I'm not trying to distance myself from you because I don't want you, or because I'm afraid of getting hurt." _Well, I'm not doing it _just_ because of that_. "The timing is wrong, Rachel." She made a right turn, using it as an opportunity to see if Rachel's expression gave anything away. Rachel was frowning.

"Shouldn't I get to decide whether the timing is or is not wrong? Don't I have any say in this?"

"Yes, you do," Shelby sighed. On her next small glance at Rachel's face, she knew Rachel had figured out where she was going. "Here's what I'm going to say. Get through Regionals. Finish the school year. This summer, we'll see what happens. If you're still interested in forging some sort of relationship, you know where to find me."

"But I already found you," Rachel said, her voice laced with tears, but slightly frustrated. "Why can't we just try now?"

Shelby pulled into Rachel's driveway, turning off her car. She felt her heart wrench when she saw the saddened expression on her daughter's face, slightly surprised that Rachel hadn't asked how she knew where she lived. "Rachel. Honey, you need to trust me. I really, truly believe that this is best for you. This summer, if you want me I'll be there. But right now, you need to focus on other things." Rachel was staring down at her feet, clearly struggling. Shelby only had one more thing to add. "I can tell by the way you're not arguing that you agree with me," she said gently.

Rachel looked up at her, nodding slightly, before she sobbed out, "Do I get a hug goodbye? Something to hold me over until the summer?" Shelby gave her a lopsided grin.

"I'll forgive you for stealing my line, for now." With that, she opened the door, climbing out of the car. When she got around to the other side, Rachel had also stepped out and threw herself into Shelby's arms. Shelby held her tightly, dreading the moment she'd have to let go.

"You'll go out to dinner with me if I wait til the summer?" Rachel whimpered, clinging to her, voice slightly muffled by Shelby's shoulder.

"I'll go out with you to dinner this summer. If you want it then," Shelby confirmed.

"You should date someone. Mr. Schuester is available," Rachel sobbed. "I don't want you to be alone."

Shelby sighed, hoping she could be reassuring. "I'm not going to date anyone, Rachel. I'll be okay, sweetheart. I need you to be okay too." She rubbed Rachel's back lightly, letting her cry for a few more minutes before pulling back. "I should go."

Rachel nodded, then shook her head. "But..." Shelby could tell Rachel was searching for some excuse to get her to stay. "What about my clothes?" Shelby sighed again; so it happened to be a good point. It didn't mean she had to give in.

"I'll mail them to you. I need to go." Another nod from Rachel. But Shelby couldn't leave her looking so morose. "It'll be okay, baby. I'll see you at Regionals, okay? Go inside now." She cupped Rachel's cheek for a moment, before turning and getting into her car. Rachel headed inside, seeming strong, but Shelby could tell this time she was acting. She swallowed, closing her eyes for a moment, before turning on her car and pulling out of Rachel's driveway. She couldn't go comfort Rachel right now; it would only make things harder.

She could wait until summer.


	3. Out of Touch, Out of Time

**A/N:** Hello again! So, I had planned on this story only being a two-shot, but then Episode 1x22 Journey broke my heart, and so I had to fix it. Enjoy my descent into denial. Some parts of this chapter and the next contain verbatim dialogue from the season finale, so if you haven't seen 1x22 Journey, spoilers ahead. Also, I read about Jonathan Groff's injury on the set, and was at once horrified and amused, so I had to include it here. There will be one chapter after this, and then, depending on interest, I may or may not write down a sequel of sorts that's been lingering in the back of my mind. This chapter's title comes from the Dashboard Confessional song "Again I Go Unnoticed."

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Glee_, or any references that I made that managed to slip in.

Driving away from Rachel's house was one of the most difficult things she'd done – right behind giving up the baby girl she'd carried for 9 months minutes after she was born.

But walking into her empty, dark house after the chaos of the day made her feel sick. Rachel had been right, Vocal Adrenaline _wasn't_ enough, and she was tired of living alone. But Vocal Adrenaline was all she had. She would never be able to truly have a family; Rachel already had one and didn't need her. Yes, it felt good that Rachel wanted her, but want wasn't the same as need. Wasn't that what her mother had drilled in to her at a young age, every time she said she _needed_ to be on Broadway or she wouldn't survive? _"No, Shelby, you don't _need_ to be on Broadway, you _want _to be on Broadway. You _need_ to have food to survive. There's a difference."_ Shelby scoffed; she had the speech memorized. The rest of it wasn't pretty, but there was one thing that she now knew was missing. Why hadn't her mother ever told her that the most important thing was family, having someone to spend time with?

Her house felt empty in a way it never had before. As she flipped on the lights on her way to her hardly used home office, she wondered if maybe she _should_ date someone. The problem with dating was that it wasn't permanent; she was sure she'd just end up alone again, worse off than she was now. Maybe that was part of the reason she hadn't been on a date in three years; the last set of dates she'd went on had been a disaster. She'd met a wonderful man and he was perfect, so on and so forth. They'd been dating for about two months when someone else answered his phone. Turns out he was a married man with two children and another one on the way. She hadn't even known or noticed any of the signs. Needless to say, it ended up in with her crying pitifully over him for days, weeks even. She didn't think she could stand something like that right now.

She opened the office door, standing there for a moment before sighing and turning on the light. Immediately, the trophies in the room (the overflow – these were the older trophies that she couldn't get to fit in her tiny office at school, and she had been strictly forbidden from keeping them in her classroom) began sparkling vibrantly. Usually she enjoyed walking into this room in her house, it was an instant pick me up and reminder of her success. But there were only a few pictures, and none of them were of family or friends, just Vocal Adrenaline photos. She picked one up from five years ago, looking at it. Brightly smiling faces greeted her, the entire club standing together in costumes with her in the middle holding the trophy. Sure, she looked happy enough, and the kids were thrilled, still on the high of winning, but she knew that she hadn't really had a personal or deep connection with any of these kids. Not the type that she had deprived herself of with Rachel. Her eyes began to burn, and she slammed the picture back down in its spot, flipping the light off and slamming the door as she quickly retreated.

Her Lean Cuisine was waiting.

~•~

The next morning found her sitting at her desk at school at 6:30 am, biting back yawns. She wasn't sure she'd even slept for an hour last night; when her alarm had gone off for her to go through her morning routine of workout, shower, breakfast, she was staring at the ceiling, wishing desperately for a reprieve. By 6:50, students had started ambling into the classroom, but for once she didn't move from her office. Let the students think she was still grading papers, she didn't care.

Footsteps approached her office, but she didn't look up, assuming some student was just coming to the back of the classroom for something. She didn't look up from her desk, or the papers that were in front of her. Getting through the day – and staying awake – was going to be quite a struggle.

"Shelby."

Her breath gushed out of her in a ragged sigh of frustration, head tilting forward over her desk before she looked up. "Jesse," Shelby stated monotonously. She half-heartedly formed a steely glare, but knew it wasn't up to par. Jesse's expression shifting from nervous to concerned told her that much. "What do you want, Jesse? I believe I told you I didn't want to see any of you until 2:30 this afternoon. It is," she glanced at her watch, unable to stifle a groan, "6:55 in the morning."

Jesse apparently took that as an invitation, and came fully into her office, leaning over her desk. "Shelby, are you okay?"

"You have no right to ask me that, Jesse. And don't call me that, not after yesterday," Shelby said, rubbing her temples. She broke eye contact with Jesse, hoping he would perceive the conversation as over.

"Are you hung over?"

Her head snapped up. "No!" And then, when that wasn't enough to express her annoyance, she put down the pen in her hand, and stared up at him incredulously, head cocked slightly to the side. "Where the hell did you get that idea?"

"I've just never seen you like this. And I've known you for four years."

Shelby sighed. "I'm just tired, that's all. I didn't get much sleep last night." She made sure her tone was final, so that Jesse wouldn't ask questions. She wanted to kick him out, but she didn't have the energy to do it physically and he was pretty much immune to her verbal jibes at this point. So instead she picked up her pen, playing with it as she stared down at one of the papers.

"I came to apologize," Jesse declared, and Shelby had to admit that he sounded contrite. Too bad.

"Oh, goody," she bit back sarcastically.

Jesse sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Look, I'm sorry." He sat down in the extra chair Shelby kept in her office for when students needed to talk to her. She was suddenly wishing it wasn't there. "I didn't want to do it. You were right, I care about her. Well, cared, because she'll never let me close to her again, but. The club pressured me into it. It took all the training in acting I've ever had to look her in the face and egg her. I may be a jackass, but Rachel is special, and I never wanted to hurt her like that. But the club pressured me into it; they said I was either in or out. And I had to be in. Vocal Adrenaline is important to me. And to you too. So…I drove over there, and broke her heart all over again, and now VA trusts me again, but I'm sort of furious with myself," Jesse said in as sincere a voice as Shelby had ever heard him speak in. He let out a little laugh. "And I'm out of things to say, I was expecting you to cut me off to yell at me by now."

Shelby leaned back in her chair, linking her hands in front of her. "I don't need your excuses, Jesse." She yawned, but continued speaking through it. "Why are you telling me this?" Jesse looked visibly hurt, and the expression was so similar to the one Rachel had on her face when Shelby left that Shelby felt her stomach twist. Not to mention the fact that in all of the time she had known Jesse, she had never _caused_ that look. He usually came to her to _solve_ that look. She knew his parents didn't understand his drive, his motivation and desire to be perfection and get to Broadway. Neither had hers; maybe that's why she was so close to him.

"Because, I can't take the fact that you're angry with me. I would be nowhere without you," Jesse said miserably. But he bowed his head respectfully, obviously trying to wiggle back to her good side. "I'll see you at practice, Coach Corcoran." Shelby sighed, glancing at her watch. He had a little more time before he had to be in his first period block, and if needed she could easily write him a late pass.

"Jesse, wait," Shelby requested softly. He looked up at her, but still seemed off. Shelby knew she needed to be careful what she said; there was no way he was getting out of the hell she planned to put him through this afternoon. He deserved it, since his presence had been what hurt Rachel the most. But she wasn't going to end four years of close friendship and camaraderie with him because he made a mistake.

"You know that I said what I did in anger," She said haltingly. She stared past him, into her classroom where most of her students were already sitting. The five minute bell rang, but Jesse didn't move. "You chose the wrong path, kid. I can tell you already know that. I wish I could help you learn from my mistakes, make you see that having people there for you is more important than Broadway. But I can't, so the only thing I can do is be there for you, and support you. Do you understand?" She focused back on him, hoping that she hadn't lost him too now. Then she'd truly be alone. He looked down, not saying anything, but Shelby knew that she needed to go out now and get ready to start the day. "Stay in here as long as you need, Jesse. Don't walk out there with a show face on, because I'll know, and then I'll have to kill you. I'll write you a pass to your next class."

She stood up, straightening her skirt out and walking to the door. He called out to her before she could leave. "Shelby?" she turned. "Would you like a Red Bull?"

"That would be lovely, Jesse," she told him truthfully, smiling. A smirk slowly appeared on his face.

"I hear they're wonderful for hangovers, after all."

She threw her pen at him, walking out the door with a small huff and greeting her class with a cheerful, "Another double timed writing this morning. Take out a pen. Andrew, pass out the blank paper."

~•~

Shelby took a deep breath as they listened to Aural Intensity over the speakers. The Vocal Adrenaline members were around the room, chatting lightly or listening to the competition, and some of the girls were still working on costumes. _They_ all seemed fine – she was the only one nervous. Jesse stopped by on his way over to the other side of the room to talk to their lead female singer, squeezing her shoulders.

"We're going to be fine, Shelby," he murmured quietly, so only she could hear.

"Yeah. Fine," she responded, voice slightly breathier than she'd like. She swallowed, trying to not seem as panicked. He came around the back of her chair to kneel in front of her, grabbing her hand and squeezing it.

"We will be. We're going to take this thing. You've worked us without mercy since the egging, and we're ready," he said confidently. Shelby stared at him, trying to believe him, and then frowning slightly.

"How's your arm?" She looked at him pleadingly, not sure if she wanted him to lie or not. He laughed lightly, shaking his head.

"Still there. Just because I got impaled by a heel didn't mean I was going to stop. Its _fine,_ Shelby. Everything is fine. We're good." He was enunciating clearly and slowly, and it sort of pissed her off in a comforting way.

"I hope nothing like that happens tonight," Shelby muttered. She'd never been on that stage faster, and despite the fact that she hated blood she'd been the first one to Jesse's side when one of the girls, while being tossed mid air, had fallen and essentially landed on Jesse. He was okay, and was even laughing right after it happened, but Shelby had been hysterical, ordering Vocal Adrenaline to keep practicing while she drove Jesse to the hospital. He had gone willingly to the car, but then reminded her that Vocal Adrenaline could practice very little without their lead male singer and their coach. All in all, it was just way too intensely dramatic for her so soon before she needed to be calm and collected and there for her kids. Shelby shook herself out of those memories, knowing it wasn't helping her nerves, and grabbed Jesse closer by his suspenders. "If any of them come close enough to impale you like that again, _dodge_," she growled at him. He laughed, pulling her hand away, and walking backwards towards where he was heading in the first place.

"I'm not going to get impaled. We're going to be perfect, Shelby, just you watch." He then grinned cockily, "Besides, it's my _Senior Year_. We have to win. I'll have the audience eating out of the palm of my hand from my first note. _I'm_ Jesse St. James." With that he spun around, sauntering away.

She rolled her eyes, trying to relax, as Aural Intensity finished. "Vocal warm ups, now, everybody," She snapped, just to feel like she had something to do.

"Chill pill, Coach."

She growled lightly under her breath, but ignored the Senior girl who said it, opting to close her eyes and breathe deeply. She heard them announce New Directions, and faltered slightly, sucking in a shaky breath. The first voice to come through the speakers was male, and she didn't recognize it – maybe it was their male lead? The one Jesse had complained about all the time? What was his name, Finn? – but the second voice she distinctly knew. Rachel. Another shaky breath. As the two of them sang together, she moaned, "Oh God," screwing her eyes closed tighter and resting her head on the back of her chair.

"They're good," Jesse stated, suddenly behind her. She swallowed her gasp of surprise, but hit out at him with her left hand, opening her eyes when she wasn't able to get him.

"Shut up, Jesse. Go back to being cocky." He was the only student she could really get away with saying something like that to.

Jesse shrugged. "We're better. I'm just admitting that they're good." Shelby continued to look up at him, not responding, as New Directions began to sing Don't Stop Believin'. He smirked, adding, "You know, there is such thing _as_ a chill pill. I'm sure that if you went to a therapist they'd happily give you something to calm you down. You have no reason to be anxious, yet you're like, shaking. That can't be normal."

One of the other Senior boys piped up, "You know, Coach, we could give you a little somethin' to slip into your tea that we all know you're going to drink soon. It would certainly help you to relax…"

"_Get out_," Shelby groaned, finally successfully whacking Jesse. Vocal Adrenaline began to wander out of the room, and she called out "Break a leg!"

Jesse left with a whispered, "Relax, we have this, Shelby. Vocal Adrenaline loves you; we wouldn't do anything to disappoint you."

Shelby waited until she heard Vocal Adrenaline announced to go out to the auditorium. One thing was for sure.

She _wasn't_ bringing any tea with her.

~•~

_Perfection_. She'd expected as much from them, and Vocal Adrenaline had certainly delivered. But she was now extremely apprehensive about the awards – she was convinced there was no clear cut winner. And, sick of her kids teasing her, she snuck away and into the lounge for the coaches where they had coffee and tea set up. She may have decided against tea earlier, but now she desperately needed to drink something in order to distract herself.

"Congratulations," a voice said softly from the doorway. Shelby looked up, a little bit surprised and pleased that Rachel had sought her out at Regionals. She stopped stirring her tea, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Thank you, Rachel," she replied, fully meaning it. She was about to congratulate her daughter back when she kept speaking.

"But we beat you today." Was Rachel serious? So she hadn't sought her out to talk to her or be close to her mother, she was looking to psych Shelby out. Shelby knew it was probably out of Rachel's own nerves, but it didn't help and it certainly didn't make her inclined to continue this conversation. "Jesse's a good singer, but we both know he doesn't have much heart." Shelby would tolerate the insult to Jesse, Rachel was still mad and hurt, she was sure, and there was no use in correcting Rachel even if she disagreed. "Vocal Adrenaline's best days are behind it." Her eyebrows rose, and she felt a disbelieving smile pull at her lips. Oh really? Not the last time she'd checked. This was just an attempt to make her more nervous, right? If it was, it was working. Maybe she was jaded, and thought they were good but really they weren't. No, she knew they were wonderful today; she was getting tired of feeling doubtful, but that didn't get rid of her unease. "So, I have a proposition for you."

Shelby knew this couldn't be good, but Rachel looked so hopeful that she didn't have the heart to interrupt her. Yet she knew that Rachel couldn't possibly offer her anything she'd want after that speech.

"Come teach at McKinley," Rachel said, looking at her with bright eyes and a dazzling smile, absolutely pleading with her. Shelby couldn't imagine she had heard right, that was the most absurd idea ever.

"_Excuse_ me?" She responded, laughter in her voice. She prayed Rachel was kidding, trying to loosen her up before they had to go back for the awards ceremony. Rachel had some of her genes, so maybe she understood; maybe she was trying to help both of them by coming up with something absolutely preposterous to take their minds off of what would happen in about a half hour.

"You and Mr. Schuester could be co-directors. We'd be _unstoppable_." Wait, _this_ was why her daughter wanted her? Not because she wanted her mom, but because she wanted to improve their Glee club? She vowed not to yell at Rachel right at that moment, knowing that she was prone to her temper flaring at just the wrong instant when it came to her daughter. She didn't want this to end in tears the way their last argument had. She _would_ stay calm. But it hurt – she didn't want to only be a coach, she wanted the opportunity to be a mom. She was tired of giving her all and knowing that, if her club decided, they could leave her high and dry – she wanted something stable for once, not an ever changing group of kids who liked to sing.

"There's so much that you can teach me. So much _only_ you can teach me," Rachel said imploringly. She stiffened – that was ten times worse, Rachel only wanted her because she could help her improve her _singing_? Her daughter was exactly like her, she was going to give up on loving, deep, personal relationships for the sake of a dream of grandeur. A voice in the back of her mind told her she was overreacting and jumping to conclusions, but she ignored it.

"Oh Rachel, I can't do this anymore." The words were out of her mouth before she could stop herself. She walked around her daughter in order to not have to see the disappointment on her face. And then she began rambling, knowing she should stop, but desperately wanting to try to explain to Rachel what it was like for her to walk into an empty house every night, to know that all she had was Vocal Adrenaline. At the end of the day, those kids were not _hers_, they were just students that were temporarily on loan. "I'm tired of coaching glee club." Well, it was partly true. Mostly though, that was the nerves talking. Looking at Rachel was difficult, but she forced herself to. "I want a life. It took meeting you to realize all this stuff I'd missed out on." And that was fully true; she wanted something more than just being another teacher. She'd missed out on so much in Rachel's life, and all because she had been selfish, wanting something that everyone told her she couldn't have. So she'd given up her baby, and now she would never be able to have another. She would never get to hold her little girl through a summer storm, or bring her to her first day of kindergarten.

She continued, "I need some balance, you know?" Bouncing from surrounded by people all day and feeling like she mattered to a quiet, sterile house had become so much more difficult over the years. There must be people who had consistency. She knew what those people's lives looked like: "I need a house…and a garden…and a dog. Family." Rachel stared at her for a moment, hurt, before looking down, and she knew she had to explain that comment. She moved towards her, knowing what she was saying wasn't coming out coherently. "I missed out on my chance with you, and it kills me. And I can't let that happen again." She reached out her hand to put it on Rachel's shoulder, intending to keep explaining, but Rachel's expression had hardened and she had already turned, walking towards the door. _I want another chance, the ability to have something with you without being your teacher or coach. Please, understand. I want to be family, not faculty. For once, I want to make a decision for the right reason. I need to stay at Carmel High so that I don't sacrifice everything, but I need to take a chance on having something completely unconnected to obligation other than the commitment of blood bonds. _But she couldn't force those words out quick enough, and Rachel was getting to the door. So she blurted the first question that came to mind.

"Where's the rest of your team?"

Rachel sighed, and Shelby could tell she was masking pain. _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please don't leave. Let me explain _everything_ first._ "They're, uh, they're at the hospital. Quinn had her baby."

_Sweetheart, what are you doing here? You should be there with them. _But that wasn't the question that came out of her mouth. "Is she okay?"

"Yeah, she's fine." Rachel seemed perfectly okay, but she had to be acting, right? Shelby knew she was upset. She had seen it in her face… "It was, um…" Rachel looked up. "It was a beautiful baby girl," Rachel said, staring right at her, and Shelby felt her throat clench. _How can she…_ Shelby crossed her arms, pulling her shoulders up and trying to remember that Rachel was upset right now, and that she'd eventually calm down – her daughter wasn't _actually_ trying to hurt her.

Rachel nodded, and then opened the door, walking out.

Shelby stood there for a moment, shell-shocked. She considered chasing after Rachel, but her daughter had a powerful set of lungs on her and she didn't want to get into anything publicly. And her ribs chose that moment to give a dull ache, and she dropped her head, shivering slightly at the thought of having anything like that happen today – weren't the judges allowed to disqualify teams if there was supposed violence? So she let Rachel walk off, and forced herself back into her no-nonsense state of mind. She grabbed her tea, marching out of the lounge to rejoin her team.

When she got back to the room, everyone turned to look at her, but she masked her feelings, simply going and sitting down in her chair. She took a calm sip of her tea before saying emotionlessly, "Awards are in ten minutes. We should go out in about five, just to be ready." A few students nodded, but otherwise nobody spoke to her. Jesse approached her, kneeling slightly down to be just about at eye-level.

"Coach, what happened? You're much gloomier than when you left." She was a little surprised that Jesse knew her well enough to notice she was upset, but she supposed if anyone were to be able to tell, it would be him. She shook her head, sliding some loose hair behind her ear and looking down into her lap.

"Maybe Coach took our advice, added a little something to her tea. Would it surprise anyone if Coach Corcoran was a depressed drunk?" So her students were still giddy from their performance and anticipating winning. Usually she would have smashed the student who said that to pieces, but this time her face crumpled, and she curled further into herself.

"Guys, lay off. Not funny. Besides, we all know that Coach Corcoran would be the type of drunk who lets loose, singing while standing on the bar or something," Jesse bellowed, getting to his feet and resting a hand on her shoulder. When they had appropriately apologized, Shelby heard Jesse kneel down in front of her again. "Talk to me. Please." He said it in a softer voice this time, so nobody else would hear.

She sighed, knowing it was probably a mistake, but Jesse was, after all, almost like a son to her, and she needed to make sure she didn't go out on that stage and rush to grab Rachel and apologize. "Rachel found me, talked to me. We, uh. We had a bit of a fight – she wants me to come teach at McKinley." She, too, kept her voice low.

"That's ridiculous," Jesse muttered. Shelby nodded, not really in the mood to talk. "You can't just give up everything for her, Shelby. Why doesn't she realize that? I take it you said no?"

"Yes," she responded softly. "And then I think I implied that I didn't want a relationship with her, because she walked out. And now she's never going to come and try to start a relationship with me this summer." She shook her head miserably, wondering what the hell was wrong with her that she always made her daughter feel unwanted.

"Can I just say something? Don't let her go, Shelby," Jesse whispered. He grinned in his trademark way, but Shelby could tell that he was regretful. "It's painful to lose her. I'm not so sure I understand why I thought it was so worthwhile." And then he stood up. "It's time to go out and win. Ready?" Jesse announced. Shelby stood up, waiting until all of her students had filed out of the room to exit; Jesse waited for her.

"You know, I really don't drink all that often," she said earnestly as they walked out of the room together. Jesse laughed, but didn't respond otherwise.

~•~

Standing on the stage, surrounded by the members of Vocal Adrenaline with Aural Intensity and New Directions to her right, Shelby could only feel subdued. She stared straight ahead, noting that Jesse turned to look at the competition, probably looking at Rachel, but kept herself still. She clapped when she was supposed to, and smiled at Aural Intensity when they were announced as the runners-up, but really all she wanted to do was get off that stage. But it was while she was clapping for them that she realized something that made her tense and drop her hands back to her sides. Jesse must've noticed, because he grabbed her hand and squeezed it as they moved over. She squeezed it back in thanks, looking at his face to see if he'd realized what she had.

Waiting for the announcement of who had won was almost torture, and she was sure that Jesse's hand was beginning to ache from how hard she was gripping it, but he didn't complain, so she merely began trying to compose herself. When Vocal Adrenaline was announced, she was genuinely surprised and pleased, throwing her arms out to her sides as Jesse dropped down to his knees in excitement. She clenched her hands together, vowing not to cry. And then, when Jesse stood up and came forward, arms extended, she held her arms out to him, wanting a hug even though she knew Rachel might see and take it the wrong way. She pulled him in, whispering "You're graduating, you're leaving," tearfully, but he either ignored the comment or was too excited to process it. He pulled away to accept the trophy, and one of the sweeter girls who was in her fourth period class tapped her shoulder, opening her arms, so Shelby hugged her too, congratulating her. And then Jesse had turned back and was offering one arm to her, so she hugged him again, and allowed him to kiss her cheek, but then she pulled away, determined to remain happy and smiley and not spiral down into a sobbing depressed mess. She watched her club celebrate, one of the boys lifting Jesse up in the air, but took a moment to glance at New Directions.

Rachel looked heartbroken, all of them did. Her smile fell slightly, but she followed Vocal Adrenaline as they began to leave, deciding that now wasn't the time to go talk to Rachel. Maybe after they took the traditional picture with the trophy. Jesse waited for her again, all smiles, and put his arm around her as they filed off the stage. They went, took their picture, Jesse standing right next to her, one hand around her back and one on the trophy, and then headed back towards their dressing room. Jesse turned to her, saying quietly, "Even if I'm graduating, it doesn't mean I won't be back to visit. You're getting front row tickets to my first opening night of a show on Broadway, Shelby, remember? And you can come visit me at college, too."

Shelby pulled away, pouting slightly. "You're still leaving. I'll be all alone again, stuck with a bunch of stupid kids who don't know me at all." By now they'd reached their dressing room, and she could hear Vocal Adrenaline's shouts of joy loud and clear. It just made her feel emptier. Jesse turned, looking at her fully.

"Go talk to Rachel. You won't be alone," Jesse ordered. And with that he turned, closing the door in her face as he joined Vocal Adrenaline.

"Jerk!" she yelled through it, but she was sure he didn't hear her. It wasn't that she would have cared about barging in right after him, but she unfortunately knew he was right. She sighed, turning back around. Aural Intensity's coach was in the hall, staring at her like she was crazy, and a pedophile to boot. "He is," she muttered, walking away and finding New Direction's dressing room. She looked back down the hall, making sure Aural Intensity's coach had left, before shoving her hair behind her ears and knocking on the door.

Will opened the door, and she opened her mouth to speak but he beat her to it. "Shelby? What are you doing here? Why aren't you celebrating with your team?"

She smiled slightly, looking down at her feet for a moment before glancing back up. "I wanted to see Rachel." Will gave her a strange look, and turned around, looking into the room. Shelby tried to look over his shoulder, but he purposefully blocked her. _Oh no, what does he know, why is he being so standoffish? He's always been so nice to me…_

"Give me a minute," He said, turning back to her, then he closed the door. She took a step back from the door, wringing her hands together in front of her in anticipation. She'd have to be very careful what she said to Rachel, she didn't want to send her running away again. This was too important to risk screwing up another time.

The door opened again, and she held her breath. But it was Will again, and this time he'd only opened it enough to stick his head out, so there was no hope of her getting around him to see into the room. "I'm sorry, Shelby, Rachel said no, and I can't go against her wishes."

"But…"

"I'm sorry, Shelby," he repeated. "But she says she doesn't need you so I should tell you to go away." Shelby felt the air leave her lungs. Will gave her a small, sympathetic smile, and then closed the door.

That was it, then. Rachel didn't need her. She'd driven Rachel away, Rachel didn't even want her there – it didn't matter that she'd sought her out, for once. Shelby shuddered, closing her eyes tightly and leaning on the wall opposite the door to New Direction's room. A few tears leaked out, but she brushed them away impatiently. This was the worst situation she could have anticipated, even worse than every scenario she'd imagined when she first decided to get in touch with Rachel. But right now she refused to acknowledge the hurt she felt spreading from her heart to the rest of her body. Gulping in a deep breath, she turned, walking back down the hall to Vocal Adrenaline's room, where they were loudly (and actually, kind of out of tune) singing "We Are the Champions," still obviously over the moon about their win. Suddenly she didn't feel much like joining them.

She forced herself to enter the room anyway, proud smile sliding onto her face perfectly. "Well done, everyone. Congratulations. You truly earned this. And, as such, tomorrow we'll have a huge party to celebrate, per usual. For tonight, go out, have fun…" she turned, pinning her gaze on the senior boy who'd continually brought up alcohol today, "_without alcohol_, or I will kick your asses, and be ready to celebrate tomorrow!"

The team cheered, and she smiled, going and gathering her stuff. Once she was all set, she went over to Jesse, putting her hand on his shoulder. "Make sure you get them to the bus in at least twenty minutes, okay? I've gotta go now," she stated quietly, patting him on the shoulder. She'd brought her car along, just in case, but everyone else had come over on the bus. On the way here it had been annoying, since she would have preferred to be on the bus but was afraid to not have the car in case of emergency, but now she was grateful for it. Jesse tried to stop her, yet another concerned look in his eyes, but she evaded him, saying succinctly "_Bye_, Jesse," then adding a "Until tomorrow, everyone!" and swept out of the room.

She rushed to her car, climbing in and pressing her hands over her face. Jesse was wrong, she was going to be all alone, she'd chased away Rachel and Jesse was going to college and she wasn't willing to date…She felt like she was going to hyperventilate, so instead she dropped her hands, turning on the car and driving away. She definitely wasn't going to go home yet, but she couldn't sit there any longer.


	4. And She Has Found Me

**A/N: **Welcome to the fourth and final chapter of this story, and my landing in the world of denial. Yes, it was a very lovely flight. This again contains spoilers for Episode 1x22 Journey, although I imagine that if you've made it this far you've accepted the spoilers or have seen the episode. Just so you know, I know nothing about adoption whatsoever, so I did a tiny bit of research and then decided to just make the rest up. Sorry if this offends anyone. There is also some minor Will/Shelby in this chapter, which is fluffy in my opinion. I've come to really like them as a couple. Some other characters are in this chapter, so I apologize if they're slightly off in characterization as well. To round out the story, I've finished off the lyric from "On My Own" that the story title came from: _"And when I lose my way I close my eyes and [she] has found me."_ If Glee can change lyrics from "he" to "she," I can too! Again, hope you enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Glee_, or any references that I made that managed to slip in.

She found herself at the hospital, heading towards the maternity ward. Biting her lip, she approached the glass window that separated her from the babies. She saw Quinn there, only knowing her name because Rachel had said it earlier, standing with a boy who was clearly also in McKinley's Glee club. Taking a deep breath, she stepped up next to them, trying to ignore the fact that she knew they were having some sort of moment. Her eyes scanned the babies ensconced in pink and blue, thinking of the beautiful baby girl she'd never gotten to hold who all those years ago had been just like that, lying in one of those bassinets. "Which one is yours?" Out of the corner of her eye she saw Quinn turn towards her.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Quinn's voice was almost accusatory, and obviously implied that she shouldn't be there, and the reason Shelby was there was because she had lost her baby completely now, and that wasn't a good enough reason to state out loud to someone she'd never met.

"Oh, I see her now," she responded instead, evading the question. She laughed slightly at the way the baby was taking in the world around her, oblivious to the people watching her. "She looks like you." The baby really did, she had the same facial structure as Quinn, and the same nose…She'd spent years, wondering if her baby looked like her. And Rachel _did_, she did look like her, but that didn't seem to matter to Rachel anymore. "Does she have a name?"

Quinn was looking at her in that same way of trying to figure out what she was doing there. Shelby would have been offended if she didn't know that she was practically the enemy epitomized to this girl. "No."

"Beth," the boy said definitively. Shelby glanced at him, then looked back at Quinn.

"Pretty." She directed the comment to Quinn, understanding why the new mother was acting so cold, but hoping that she could break through it. She looked away, staring at the baby again. "I like that name."

"She's up for adoption – Quinn and I can't keep her," the boy said, looking at her.

Quinn was apparently angry that he decided to talk to her. "Puck, shut up. Don't you know who she is?" Ouch, that sort of stung Shelby. But they couldn't know what happened between her and Rachel, could they?

"Yes, I know who she is. That's exactly why. Quinn, it's perfect. We can't raise her, but if we know where she is, we can still have contact with her. We can still be part of baby Beth's life," Puck argued. Shelby held her breath, not daring to interrupt this conversation. She hadn't been considering _adopting_ a baby, but…maybe she should. She wouldn't be alone then, and the baby would _need_ her, really and truly need her.

"What's your point?" Quinn hissed loudly.

"That if Miss Corcoran adopts the baby, then we'd know that Beth has a good life and we could go see her," Puck said confidently to Quinn, then turned to Shelby. "Right? You'd let us see her, but give her a good life."

Shelby nodded, but then said "But, um, I'm sorry, I didn't even come here with the intention of adopting a baby, I don't know." She glanced at Quinn, who was staring at her baby girl and looking lost. Shelby sighed, knowing that she had to say something. "Quinn, if I may…I'd like to give you some unsought advice. Giving up your baby? Is just about the hardest thing to do. And in my situation, I knew that Rachel was going to a good home, but not having contact with her all these years just left me with pain and unhappiness. Don't set yourself up for that. You're younger than I was, and right now you may not realize it. But some day, you're going to wish that you could have been there to see your daughter to her first day of school and regret not knowing who has her." Through all of this, Quinn continued looking at the baby, and it was only when Shelby got to the end of her impromptu speech that Quinn nodded.

"Quinn. I don't want our baby to sit in that…plastic bin…for months and months, and then bounce from foster home to foster home until she can finally be adopted. I read somewhere that it would speed up the process if we approved the adopting family, something about an open adoption," Puck implored.

"It's not a plastic bin," Shelby laughed lightly. "They wouldn't put a newborn baby in any old plastic bin." She couldn't take her eyes off of the little bundle lying there.

"Would you like to hold her?" Quinn asked her, finally looking away from the baby. Shelby stared at her, shocked, but nodded. Quinn shuffled away, Puck following her and helping her, while Shelby resumed staring at baby Beth, contemplating.

By the time Shelby left the hospital, she had filled out adoption forms, with both Quinn and Puck's stamp of approval. It would take a couple of weeks for the paperwork to go through and for her to be confirmed and allowed to take the baby home, but the nurse had assured them that she couldn't see any reason Shelby wouldn't be. Shelby stubbornly told herself that the nurse was young, and didn't know anything.

But somewhere, deep inside of her, she felt like she was getting a second chance.

~•~

A few weeks went by; AP classes were essentially over since the AP exams had been taken, people came to her house to see if it was suitable for a baby, school ended. Shelby went to graduation with the faculty, and the teachers who sat next to her gaped at her when she dabbed tears off of her face when Jesse's name was called. After graduation, Shelby felt extremely lonely, not even having the energy to banter with her students for the last three days of school. But on the last day of school, she got a phone call: all her paperwork was through, everything was in order, and she could pick up her little baby girl from the hospital. She rushed to get her, her first real smile in weeks appearing on her face as she held her little Beth.

Summer started easily, with Shelby trying to turn her house into the perfect home for her little girl. She was devoted to her, absolutely in love. That didn't mean that she didn't still hope that Rachel would come to her, but she wasn't sitting around doing nothing in her house the way she usually did during the summer. It felt good. Baby-proofing the house had taken time, but Shelby had decided that she liked it better that way anyway…even if Jesse had accused her of losing her mind when she told him that. She hadn't even taken offense, merely smiling at Jesse and cooing, "You think you're so smart, yes you do. Yes you do."

Jesse had since refused to come see her until she'd a) gotten professional help, b) hired a babysitter, or c) learned to avoid baby talk.

She and Beth spent a lot of time out of their house, too. Shelby went out of her way to find things that she could go to do with Beth. By the time Beth was a month old, she already seemed to adore hearing her mommy sing. Shelby loved every minute of it. Even though she was sleep deprived, barely eating anything other than what could be microwaved in two minutes, and hadn't done a single thing for herself since picking the baby up from the hospital, she was genuinely happy. Beth was a smiley baby, usually very cheerful unless something was wrong. Shelby had even contacted her parents, telling them that they had a granddaughter. They'd been thrilled, but the coldness that had been there since she'd decided to be a surrogate for a gay couple in order to pursue her dreams was still present in their conversation.

One week into July, when Beth was having a hard couple of days because she was colicky and therefore much more cranky than usual, and Shelby was getting about 2 hours of sleep a night, stickered letters showed up on her mailbox, spelling out the name "Corcoran." She'd been confused when she first saw them, but figured that maybe the mailman had done it. All of the other houses in her cul-de-sac had their last names on their mailboxes, so she just shrugged it aside. It was sort of a nice touch anyway, declaring that it was her house.

When about a week later, when she and Beth came home from spending the day in the park with Beth's biological parents and found several boxes that had been delivered to her house sitting in front of her door, she was once again surprised, but thought maybe it was a peace offering from her parents. She knew they wanted to meet Beth and have a role in her life, so she called them to say thank you, but they were on vacation and she couldn't reach them. The boxes were full of things to decorate her living room with, and matched perfectly with her couch and everything. She put it all up while singing to Beth, who was busily watching a music note mobile – another thing that was in the care package. She was pleased at how much the new look to her living room suited her tastes. She made a mental note to call to try to thank her parents again.

Several days later, she had a very long day that involved running errands, a doctor's appointment for Beth, lunch plans with an old friend from high school, and a trip to the bookstore. She wanted to have some picture books to start reading to Beth. Her baby needed to be fully literate, what with a mommy who was an unsympathetic AP English teacher. She came home to find that someone had completely landscaped the front of her house, adding a white picket fence, pink and orange dahlias, a few bushes, and a few other flowers that she couldn't identify right off the top of her head. To say she was stunned would have been an understatement, but she had no idea who would have done this – the only person she had expressed her desire for a garden to was Rachel, and there was no way in hell Rachel would have done this for her. Right?

The next day, when she got home, there was a small basket sitting on her doorstep with a light, gauzy fabric covering it and a small, sleepy golden retriever puppy inside. A little sticky note was attached to the fabric, and so she picked up the basket, bringing it inside and pulling the sticky note off of it. _A little puppy to keep you company. Just so you know, dogs don't need baby talk – you can speak to him as if he were a human. All of his paperwork is inside the basket, underneath the blanket. Enjoy._ She didn't recognize the handwriting, but now she was beginning to get a little anxious – separately the things hadn't seemed like anything, but together…

She called Jesse, asking him if he had left her a puppy on her doorstep, and he had laughed hysterically for about two minutes, and then beseeched her to get professional help before Beth was old enough to be influenced by her insanity. She called her parents again – still on vacation.

In desperation, she called Will Schuester to pry for information, see if he knew anything about Rachel trying to contact her. He didn't, but he did ask her out on a date. She'd stuttered some sort of response (she _hoped_ it sounded like yes), and then hung up before he could respond. Vaguely, she wondered if Rachel had anything to do with _this_, but that was preposterous – persuasive as her daughter was, she couldn't force someone to date her. She rushed out to buy puppy food, and was actually a little disappointed when she didn't find any surprises waiting for her when she got home. She chalked _that_ up to exhaustion. Will called back about an hour later, intent on setting a date up. She felt like a teenager all over again, and went to sleep with a silly grin on her face. About a week passed, and she still hadn't gathered the confidence to call Rachel to find out if she had been doing all of this, but now that she'd thought about it she was pretty sure. She assumed she'd hear from Rachel soon, and couldn't deny how ecstatic that thought made her feel.

Wednesday night, there was a horrible band of thunderstorms, and both Beth and the puppy Figaro – named for Mozart's _Overture to the Marriage of Figaro_, which had always been one of her favorite classical pieces, and was of course a brilliant opera – cried the entire time. Beth was wailing loudly, almost screaming, with every crash of thunder, and Figaro was all over her, whimpering and whimpering. She had her hands full, and it was around 2:30 in the morning that she gave up on the hope of sleep, beginning to cry with them. Around 6 am, the storms finally cleared, and Beth and Figaro fell into deep sleeps, so Shelby was able to sleep for about 2 hours before Beth woke up. She stayed in all day, almost too tired to move, but dealt with it. Luckily, both Beth and Figaro were cheerful, and it was a relatively easy day.

Will took her out to a lovely restaurant for their first date; while it was the first time she had left Beth alone for an entire night, she had read books about taking care of babies, and so she had made sure that she had at least one trusted babysitter who had watched Beth for short spans of time in order to avoid separation anxiety and all that. She subtly tried to pry for information about Rachel, but Will just told her he hadn't spoken with Rachel since the summer started, and so he didn't know anything. It felt wonderful just spending time with Will, talking and laughing and eating _real_ food, engaging in _real_ conversation. Shelby felt like she was floating by the time he brought her home, and didn't even mind when Beth woke her up at 4 in the morning. She was annoyingly perky for the rest of the week, too, and hoped desperately that nothing bad would happen.

It wasn't until the beginning of August, when she and Will were having yet another date, maybe their third this week, this time watching a movie in her living room because she couldn't get her usual babysitter and Will had sweetly agreed to a change in their plans, that she realized that there hadn't been any random gifts lately. She hadn't noticed anything new. And she hadn't heard from Rachel yet. Summer only had a month left. Will noticed her sudden melancholy, and paused the movie, turning to her. "You okay?"

She nodded, murmuring, "Just tired." The truth of the matter is she didn't want to think about it, or talk about it. Will pulled her into a tight embrace.

"She'll come around, Shel." Shelby tried to wiggle out of his arms, embarrassed by the nickname and the fact that he could read her so well. He sighed, but it seemed like he was entertained by this whole situation. "She's at a two-week intensive music camp; she's coming home in something like three days. Maybe you can try to contact her then."

"I'm just tired," she muttered irritably. He laughed at her lightly, loosening his arms and turning back on the movie, then pulling her to rest her head in his lap. She fell asleep before the movie was over. Will informed her the next morning on the phone that he had woken her and walked her to her room, moved Beth and her portable crib to Shelby's room, and let himself out, locking the door with a spare key that she kept in the kitchen, which he promised to return to her.

She didn't find the hole that Figaro had chewed in the middle of her wall until that afternoon – she couldn't believe it, it wasn't even on a corner. Will listened to her rant for the entire forty-five minutes it took for the handymen she hired to fix it. She suspected that he only listened because he was highly amused.

Another night of thunderstorms hit, and Shelby once again only got around 2 hours of sleep. But this time she had no choice but to drag herself around all day: she needed groceries, some new toys for Beth and for Figaro, a new book to read…she couldn't waste the day away, or she wouldn't have anything to eat for dinner that night. After running most of the errands, she brought the two of them to the park and plopped down, sitting listlessly watching people for the rest of the morning. When she got home, the door was unlocked. It was odd, because Shelby Corcoran never forgot to lock her door. But she couldn't remember locking it when she left the house, so she figured she must have forgotten. She opened the door, pushing Beth's stroller in and letting Figaro off his leash. He ran howling into the kitchen, and she rolled her eyes, following him with Beth's stroller to put away the things she had bought. He settled down in his crate when she gave him some water, and Beth was fast asleep, so she assumed that she had some time to lie around and read her book.

She almost screamed when she saw someone standing in her living room with their back turned to her, black beanie pulled over their head. She shoved Beth's stroller behind her roughly, grabbing the first potential weapon she could get her hands on (one of Beth's baby bottles, unfortunately, was the first thing she saw), and snarling, "Who the hell are you, what are you doing in my house?"

The person tensed, and slowly turned around, raising a small hand to the black beanie to pull it off. The bottle slipped in Shelby's hand, but she tightened her grasp in order to not drop it. "Hi," Rachel breathed softly. She was avoiding eye contact with Shelby, an expression on her face that seemed almost regretful.

"Rachel? What are you…you…You broke and entered into my house?" Shelby stammered, not having expected _this_.

"I didn't break and enter, you _do_ have a spare key outside, you know," Rachel rebutted, but she was still downcast.

"It's hidden in a fake rock!" Shelby cried dubiously. She put down the bottle in her hand, taking a step towards Rachel. Rachel suddenly met her gaze, just as unbelieving as Shelby was.

"You put a gold star sticker on it, you think it wasn't obvious?" Rachel yelled. Tears were beginning to rise in her daughter's eyes, and Shelby looked away, feeling incongruously berated.

She glimpsed up at Rachel, but immediately looked away. "You will not raise your voice at me in this house, Rachel. Beth is finally sleeping after a very long night, and I will not tolerate you waking her." No, that sounded too harsh. She locked her eyes with Rachel, adding "However, if…if you'd like to sit and calmly talk, I will happily do so."

Rachel meekly whispered, "Fine," but then burst out "Why is it that I'm not welcome? You-you said you wanted family, I'm family, why am I not good enough?" Shelby frowned, taking another, much more uncertain, step towards Rachel. She clasped her hands together, mulling over what to say carefully.

"I never said you weren't good enough, Rachel. I explained to you that I didn't want to come teach at McKinley. That's different. I still want to be a part of your life, but not if it's only because you want to improve your Glee club and singing. If that's the reason, then I'm sorry, but I can't help you," Shelby clarified as gently as she could. She paused, taking a breath, but Rachel stomped over first, shoving a pile of star-shaped sticky notes towards her. Shelby took them out of her hand, looking down at them. "What…"

"_That_ is twenty three times since the summer began that I have needed my mother. You think that my dads have it all taken care of, that I couldn't possibly need something from you, but those prove that you're completely _wrong_." Rachel's voice was beginning to get louder again, and Shelby sent her a look, silently ordering her to lower her voice, before she looked back down at the sticky notes.

She read the first one. "_Date with Finn. Don't know what to wear._ Rachel, I wouldn't have been able to…"

"Keep reading," her daughter demanded, and Shelby knew she owed Rachel at least that much.

She sighed, but moved that sticky to the back of the pile and read the next one. "_Need a bathing suit. Don't know how to pick a bikini that actually looks nice._" She looked up at Rachel, who was standing perfectly straight with her arms crossed, a determined look on her face. "_Bad cramps. Dad and Daddy don't want me to have chocolate_. So ask a friend for it." That got her a glare. Oops. "_Not really over Jesse, even if Finn is wonderful and Jesse broke my heart – does that mean I'm in love with Jesse?_" Shelby gave her a sympathetic look. "Rachel, its okay to be…"

"Keep. Reading." Rachel spat, though she was teary-eyed again, and had shrunk down slightly. Shelby heaved another sighed, turning to the next sticky note.

"_Allergic to creamy fig body wash. Don't know what to do to stop feeling miserable. _Oh, Rachel." She'd read enough. She put the sticky notes down, wrapping her arms around herself unconsciously. But the moment Shelby looked up, Rachel recoiled, staring down at the ground and taking a step away from her. "Honey, I understand that all of these things are difficult, but all of them are things that friends could help with. They don't necessarily require…"

Rachel cut her off, screaming and glaring at her, "I didn't say they couldn't! But I wanted my _mom _there to help me with them! So now, you have a house, and a garden, and a dog, and what's missing is a family." Shelby stood there, mildly surprised by the ferocity of Rachel's voice and the tears that had begun to fall, but she bemusedly reminded herself that Rachel never did things half way. When Rachel had finished, and was standing there breathing quickly, Shelby found herself speechless. And then a loud wail shattered the silence, and she turned around instinctively, picking up Beth from her stroller.

"Shhh, love, you're okay, we didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep, baby," she cooed, rocking Beth back and forth and bouncing her slightly. She grimaced lightly, regretting both the fact that Beth had woken up and the fact that she _knew_ Rachel was going to be hurt by her obvious affection for Beth.

"I know what you're doing," Rachel said softly behind her. "You've replaced me with Quinn's baby. You think Quinn won't want her back some day? I would bet that within a year, Quinn wants Beth back, so she and Puck can raise her. Then what'll you do?"

Shelby didn't respond until she saw Beth's eyes slip shut again. "I don't know what I'd do if that happened. But I do need you to know one thing – I didn't go to that hospital intent on adopting her. I don't really know why I went to the hospital, but the idea of adopting her seemed so right…and I thought that, after our conversation at Regionals, you'd never want to come near me again. It wasn't that I was trying to replace you."

Rachel walked up to stand next to her, looking at Beth in her arms, and Shelby hoped against hope that it was Rachel's way of showing acceptance of what Shelby had said. "She looks so much like Quinn," Rachel whispered. Shelby smiled at her over her shoulder, easing Beth back into the stroller.

"So? You looked so much like me. Go sit on the couch, Rachel. I'm going to get you some water…"

Rachel cut her off, "But I'm not thirsty…" Shelby smirked slightly.

"Your throat is going to be begging for it very soon, so just let me get it for you, and then we can talk, okay?" Rachel nodded, and Shelby sauntered into the kitchen. When she returned, Figaro was following her, despite her attempts to ignore him. "Here you go." She handed Rachel the cup, then sat down next to her, but with plenty of space. Rachel didn't say anything, just looking into her water. Shelby shifted tentatively, not sure how to start, but deciding it was best to just plunge in. "So did you do all of this? The mailbox letters, the living room décor, the garden, the puppy?" Rachel nodded, but didn't seem to want to volunteer any more information. "How?"

Rachel took a deep breath, giving Shelby a timid look, before staring back down into her water. "Quinn told me that you'd adopted Beth. It hurt, because I felt replaced and unwanted all over again. Dad and Daddy got tired of my moping around. They understood that losing at Regionals would upset me, but quickly realized there was more to it than that. So I told them. Everything. They weren't pleased, and they were _furious_ with you…" Shelby rolled her eyes. Great, just what she needed. "…but they comprehended the fact that, now that I know who you are, I would want further contact with you. Daddy said they would give me whatever I needed to try to make something work. So I told them what you wanted – a house, a garden, a dog, a family. I explained that I didn't understand, because you already had a beautiful house." Rachel paused here, giving Shelby a wry smile. "I think that's around the point that they got sick of hearing me talk about it. They said that they had the money necessary to do whatever I wanted, seeing as both of them have successful, well-paying careers. And that was the last of it. I began planning."

Shelby blinked at her for a moment, before saying slowly, "Okay…but that doesn't really explain everything, Rachel. I understand how you funded it, but…how did you pull it off?"

Rachel sighed, biting her lip and staring at the ceiling. "The mailbox letters were easy to do, I just did it one evening after it was dark with a flashlight. Planning the décor was a little more difficult. I enlisted Kurt's help, and he basically planned everything with one quick visit for measurements and stuff into your living room and some information from me about what I thought you would like. You did like it, right?" Rachel looked at her pleadingly, seeming so desperate to please her. Shelby chuckled, grinning at her.

"Yes, I did. And I'm just going to say now that I forgive you for the breaking and entering and don't intend to press charges. Keep going."

Rachel took a sip of her water, and then her eyes widened comically and she drained half of the glass. Shelby raised an eyebrow at her, but Rachel seemed ready to continue now. "With the mailbox and the living room, I thought that that would fit the definition of 'house' enough, since it just made it cozier. Again, you already have a house. Next it was on to the garden. Daddy hires a landscaper, since Dad doesn't really have the time to garden but still wants a pretty front to our house. So I asked if they could help me, for a little extra pay, to do some landscaping for a different home. They agreed. I asked Mercedes to help me pick out the flowers and stuff to plant, and Artie did some research for me about what types of flowers would be in season, and then when we had it all planned I sent the landscapers one day to your house. They knew not to tell you if you asked. If you did, they were just supposed to say that it was a thank you from a friend who appreciated your hard-work. I'm guessing you weren't home when they came, but that worked too." Rachel finished the rest of her water, but moved the glass away from Shelby when she tried to take it to get her more, hugging it to her side.

"Rachel…"

"Let me finish. The puppy was a little harder to locate, but Brittany helped me find a perfect litter of puppies, and so I asked Dad if I had any price limit. He said no, that he knew this was important to me and I had to follow what I wanted in my heart. So, the day before I left for camp, I left the puppy on your doorstep." Rachel looked down into her lap. "And then, when I came back, there hadn't been any calls from you, there weren't any signs that you knew or even cared."

"Sweetheart, I cared, I just didn't even know if it was really you doing it. I didn't want to sound like an idiot, calling you and asking if you were doing this. Plus, I'm sleep deprived and therefore not in my right mind," Shelby laughed, reaching out and putting a hand on Rachel's arm. She was touched by Rachel's grand gestures, nobody had this desperately wanted her in their lives – ever. A wonderful, warm feeling spread all over.

Rachel took a deep breath, biting her lip and suddenly seeming much shyer than Shelby had ever seen her. "I'd been writing the sticky notes all summer. Every time something happened that I needed a mother for, I wrote it down. It was a coping mechanism, and it worked, but only until I got back from camp. The plan today was to stick them all over the living room, and then leave and wait until you called. Puck lent me the hat – something about looking the part." Rachel shuddered, pulling away from Shelby's hand. "It was a stupid idea, I'm sorry to have bothered you."

Shelby intercepted her before she could stand up and leave with a hug, holding her tightly. "We'll make this work, Rachel. I can't believe you did this for me. There's…a lot to work through. But we'll figure it out. _Thank you_, for being stubborn and not stopping, not giving up." Rachel hugged her back, curling into her.

Shelby felt the last piece of the puzzle click into place: she was surrounded by her newfound family, Rachel included.


End file.
